Good god, I take a month off and look what’s happened! Michael Lee Lunsford has drawn a montage of fully clothed superheroines, and I have to ask: What kind of a monster puts clothes on Power Girl, or Wonder Woman for that matter? Yep, that’s just what this world needs, less cleavage in comic books, the only place where geeks under 12 can see half a boob (assuming they can’t get on the internet or their friend’s moms are all prudes). I don’t know who complained about sexy dames in comics but we should beat them with caveman clubs instead of assuaging them by putting a burka on Zatanna. Congratulations Michael, the terrorists have finally won.
US Weekly reports that Snooki, former ‘star’ of Jersey Shore, has lost 42 pounds. She claims it’s diet and exercise but I’m guessing it has something to do with shaving her back.
There’s a Superhero themed 5k fun run in Oregon next week called the Power Up-Superhero Run, which sounds like a very cool idea. I mean, superhero fans meeting to compete in sports? Who loves running and exercise more than comic book fans? We’re so fit that every fifth Spiderman comic comes with a stick to beat the ladies off with! Have you ever been to a comic book shop that doesn’t look like a gym without the weights? Seriously, chicks are stacked five deep outside waiting for the guys to finish! Yep, reminds me of the famous geek motto: ”I’m gonna go get some classic Alpha Flight then go blast my delts!” which nobody was overheard saying ever.
Saudi Arabia is the next front in the monkey war where The Arab News reports that:
fighting has broken out between the residents of the village Kiad in Saudi Arabia, and the baboons that inhabit the nearby mountains. The baboons are intelligent and “easily match wits” with village residents, who said the baboons are operating according to “studied plans”. It’s a daily game of hide and seek. The baboons are targeting empty houses and are well aware of what they are doing. The assault on the village is not random, as some believe. They proceed according to studied plans. That’s why their attacks do not fail. For example, imagine a resident who is absent from their home for a period of time. Even though it’s just one day, he is surprised to return to find his home in disarray.”
Is it me or does this sound like a Pixar movie, because I would totally watch it. Baboons breaking into homes in Saudi Arabia and throwing a party… it’s like Toy Story with more monkeys and less rights for women.
In the article featured in The Hindu, written by Gaurav Vivek Bhatnagar, we discover that the Dehli government is attempting to solve their monkey problem with forced relocation and oral contraception. You got that? Monkey morning after pills. I totally support this because a) I’m not a Republican and are therefore pro-monkey choice, and b) it’s monkeys and birth control! Am I the only one aching to see how the most notoriously incompetent government tries to make this happen? Remember, these are the guys whose governor was attacked on his balcony by these same monkeys and fell to his death! They can’t stop them from assassinating their political leaders but they think they’re clever enough to make sure the monkeys take oral contraception. I hope to all that is holy that this idea gets adopted, but in the meantime I’m going to see if Gaurav Vivek Bhatnagar’s name is an anagram for something because otherwise I think his parents just took a bunch of LSD and asked a Ouija board what to name their kid. It would totally make sense, his sister’s name is Yesno Goodbye.
So JJ Abrams, the awesome director who handled Star Trek like a pimp, is going to direct the new Star Wars trilogy. Everyone’s super pumped about this but contain your excitement because it’s going to be Disney and it’s still going to suck. Why? Well, some call Disney ‘Mouschwitz’ because they think it’s a place where creativity goes to die, but that’s not true. Actually creativity goes to Disney to be stripped down, gang raped, shaved, skinned, de-boned, and shredded into stuffing for Mickey Mouse dolls. These new movies aren’t supposed to be great stories, they’re supposed to be super money makers, pure and simple. So prepare for Jar Jar Binks’s son/daughter, a return to Dexter Jettster’s 50′s Diner, and training for a whole lot more younglings who unfortunately won’t be slaughtered like the last bunch talentless dick holes.
Tammie Jackson, a sixth grader in Montana, has been advised by her school’s officials that if she wants the bullying she’s currently experiencing to stop she should get a breast reduction. Yeah, great suggestion guidance counselors, nothing protects a girl from teasing like small boobs. Bravo. I don’t know who’s going to appreciate your advice more, her prom date or future husband.