Avengers Was Not As Great As You Think

Now don’t get me wrong, there were parts of Avengers I absolutely love.  For example, I loved watching the Hulk gettin’ swacked with Mjolnir in the greatest uppercut in history that wasn’t prefaced with “shoryuken”, and when mean green crushed Loki I was full on erect, and of course Scarlett Johansson’s boobs were as epic as promised, BUT… the movie wasn’t that great.  I liked it.  I did.  I’ll see it again and I’ll buy it on DVD and watch the invasion over and over and over, but I do that with a lot things that aren’t that great.  “How wasn’t the Avengers the greatest movie ever?” you may rightfully ask, and to that I’ll presently list all the things that kinda made the Avengers poorly written, and as always remember that the devil is in the details.  So with a hearty “Fuck you Zak Penn!” we’ll dive right in:

The Hulk Trap:  I don’t know what genius at S.H.I.E.L.D. came up with this idea but he must have been doped up or something.  Let me get this straight, the idea is to drop the Hulk out of the Helicarrier if things got dicey?  That’s the best you’ve got?  What if you were over a civilian area at the time?  I guess it’s “Fuck you Iowa!  We couldn’t handle the Hulk and we’re just a heavily armed super multinational military force… but we’re pretty confident that you’ll be fine!”  And what’s worse is that it breaks open when it lands!!!  What, the Hulk can’t smash harder than terminal velocity?!  Of course he can… A better idea would be to launch that capsule upwards, into a low orbit.  “Hulk smash?  Not in zero G’s you jerk!”  Or maybe a huge fan on each side of the room so that he was kept suspended unable to move.  Or suck all the air out of the room and watch him pass out.  Or nanobots that coat his lungs…  Actually any idea is better than just dropping him wherever you happen to be at the time for whatever janitor happens to find him.  Quick, hit him with your mop! And problem solved!

Iridium Eye Scanner:  This one really irritates me.  Loki attacks some CEO and uses super tech to send a scan of his eye to where his strike force is to be used to pick an ocular door lock.  Nevermind the fact that he has a staff that enslaves humans and makes them do whatever he wants.  He could have just made an appointment and tapped that guy in the chest and commanded him to do what he wants.  “Iridium please.”  “Here ya’ go!”  Instead he attacks him in the middle of a museum opening and then cows the people of Düsseldorf or wherever with English.  “Bow to me!”  “(Incomprehensible German gobbledygook)”  “I said bow to m… nevermind.  I should have done this in Britain.”  Personally I think that everyone should speak English, and that they should call English ‘American’, but if I was planning a worldwide coup I’d bring a translator.  Preferably with big cans.

Hawkeye’s bow:  I actually didn’t hate this that much, but when they attacked the compound to get the aforementioned Iridium he shot the lower level guard but the roof guard still heard him.  What’s the point of the bow again?  He could have tied a firecracker to the arrow for all the good it did…

Not getting Tony Stark as a slave: So, Loki pokes Tony in the metal chest plate with his magic slave staff and… nothing!  Why don’t you move that fucking staff two inches in any direction and jab him again in his flesh.  Why not turn Tony around and jab it in his back?!  Hahaha, now your mine Iron Man!  Now go put on that dress I like!

What the fuck is up with Chitaurian military strategy!?: Let me get this straight, Thanos is giving Loki his army in exchange for the cosmic cube.  And the way they’ll transport that army is through a portal that is only big enough to fit three soldiers through at once.  And they open that portal in one of the most heavily populated areas in the world, in a country that spends more on defense than the next ten countries combined, has heavily armed civilians, and is so fucking trigger happy that we’d nuke our own city.  Great idea guys, but why not get a bigger space portal?  You can’t!?  Ok, how about you open it in Utah where nobody’ll notice you amassing a sufficient force until it’s too late?  You won’t!?  Ok, how about line up your forces and send more than three of them through at a time?  Whatever, nice choke point dick holes…  

Nick Fury shoots down his own plane: I get it, stop NY from being nuked, but those jets are filled with jet fuel and you just used a fucking RPG to stop it.  Maybe we can try talking to the pilot “Son, I know you have your orders but listen to me…”  It’s Nick Fury for shit’s sake, I think the pilot might reconsider.  Or…. fuck that we’ll just shoot it down.  It only costs a few dozen million dollars and that asshole flying it probably doesn’t have a family…

There are other problems like where was Captain America carrying that punching bag to in his first scene or how Thor didn’t bother contacting Natalie Portman or how crazy it would be if billionaire Tony Stark had never had shwarma.  He was an arms dealer for fuck’s sake, you’re telling me he’s never been to the Middle East?!  But whatever, I can forgive all these glaring problems, it’s just important to remember that this movie could have been waaaay better if, you know, it had been written by me.