January 20, 2013
Check out this new concept vehicle from Lit, awesome, right!? The damn thing’s gorgeous, enclosed, and can’t be knocked over, but don’t get too excited, it’s still in its early stages and working prototypes aren’t due out anytime soon. But don’t worry, I have no doubt that this vehicle will be released. After all, the only thing stopping its production is some pesky math and the CEO is Asian. That may sound a little racist but seriously, in a fight between math and Asians only an idiot bets on the math.
Savor how much more awesome Asians are than you. Unless you’re Asian, then please allow me to apply to whatever company you’ll be starting this week.
January 18, 2013
Some guy in Washington has just been smothered by his girlfriend’s jugs… her massive, soft, curvy, sensual jugs… lucky jerk. It’s literally what I pray for every day and I don’t even believe in a god, but whatever. Seriously, all I know is that if I died this way the coroner would probably suspect a hefty dose of Smilex was involved.
December 11, 2012
The new Star Trek trailer teaser was just released and I don’t have time to dwell on why trailers now have teasers because if this thing is any indication of how awesome the movie is going to be I have to buy adult diapers in case I have to go to the bathroom while I watch it cause I’m not leaving the theater. Fuck me, JJ Abrams just unseated Joss Whedon as the new Geek God just like Kratos did to Ares, and I for one welcome it and will be sending him an autographed copy of The Dark Knight Returns to win his geekly favor. I think that I’m loving him so much right now that if he ran over my mom with his car the only things I would say are “Love your work, sir”, and “Sorry about the bumper.”
December 7, 2012
Those of you who follow my blog regularly (thanks mom!) will know all about the Miss Bum Bum pageant, a contest in Brazil whose winner is chosen purely on the quality of her tush. Well, the winner has been crowned and what’s super surprising is that she’s of European descent! And I say ‘Woohooo!’ Or at least that’s what I would have said had I not seen the above picture. How on earth do you have an ass contest and not have one black chick. Not one! An ass contest without a black chick… in Brazil. That’s like an drinking contest in Ireland with only Italians. Seriously, this oversight is so dumb I’m no longer surprised that they misspell their own name (Brasil, what the shit is that?). Anyway, congrats to whoever won, you should be as proud as all those all white basketball champions who competed back in the 1930′s. You deserve it!
December 7, 2012
Enjoy the new picture from Man of Steel where police officers are, by the look of it, leading Superman to prison which I’m assuming is made of wet cardboard or cotton candy or toasted white bread for all of the good it would do holding the last son of krypton, but would make as much sense as putting him in handcuffs. Personally I’m going to watch this thing like a dozen times in the theater and I’m saying that with no idea about the plot, which I’m assuming revolves around the Metropolis PD really cracking down on undocumented immigrants.
November 30, 2012
If sexbots are the wave of the future then I say hello Cyberdyne, and goodbye rejection! Finally, we’ve taken the fear out of asking girls out or trying to have sex with them, and all we had to do was take the actual girl out of the equation! Seriously, if our future robot overlords start rolling these things off the assembly line Terminator style I’ll be the first one to turn in John Connor. He’s over there Skynet, get him!
November 29, 2012
In comic book movie news that just reset my “AWESOME O’ METER” (patent pending) Bryan Singer is set to helm the new Days of Future Past X-men movie. So far Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are on board with their counterparts from X-Men: First Class with Hugh Jackman currently in talks, which means that I’m writing this post with a geek-boner (patent pending) so hard it’s made of mithril. Now, if you aren’t familiar with the story DOFP is a classic X-Men tale where they go back to a key moment in time to stop an occurance that results in a war between humanity and mutants (and if this sounds familiar it’s probably because you’ve seen Heroes Season 1).
The only down side I can see to this is that perhaps this movie will be so fucking cool it will actually tear a hole in the universe. Although if I could point out one issue I have it’s that if Kitty Pride could travel back in time to save the X-Men why wouldn’t she use that chance to kill Brett Ratner? That guy did so much damage to the franchise he’s like ten Sentinels in one!
August 28, 2012
That’s right, there’s going to be a sequel to Pee-Wee Herman’s Big Adventure finally, and don’t you dare fucking bring up Big Top Pee-Wee because I’ll fist fuck your mouth until you crap teeth if you do. That movie sucked. But this one is going to be awesome because Judd Apatow, and that’s that. What, you want me to prove it? Man, you really are begging for a face-fist fucking but good.
August 23, 2012
DC just released the above cover and for those of you who are blind and can’t see it Superman is now banging Wonder Woman… can you fucking believe it? I can, although that’s because I’ve spent A LOT of time thinking about how boring sex is for Superman considering how gentle he must have to be when he bangs a human. Finally he can hammer away with impunity at a chick with all his Kryptonian might without awkwardly explaining a pulverized pelvis to an EMT or coming up with a plausible excuse for how a woman can be cooked entirely from cock friction.
August 2, 2012
Lauren Kornacki performed a super-human feat recently when she lifted an automobile off of her father who was pinned underneath. As the amazing story goes the 22-year-old was looking for her dad and…
When she went outside to look again for her father, Alec Kornacki, 52, she found him stuck under the BMW (author’s note: does no one buy American anymore!?). “I guess the way he was moving the car with his wrench, the jack slipped and it fell on top of him,” Kornacki said. “He was unconscious and his arm was caught over his chest.”
She then proceeded to lift the car off of him and save his life. That’s so heroic! And powerful! And inspirational! And since all of those adjectives apply directly to Laura I know that there’s no point in meeting her since we’ll have nothing in common. Or so I thought until I found out she was a virgin too! At least we have one thing in common! Or so I thought until I reread the article. She’s a ’Virginian’.