The first female crash test dummies have been rolled out in an attempt to better understand how deployed air bags absorb shock differently when a woman is in an accident. Apparently the passenger side air bag can have a detrimental effect on females as it can cause damage to their tiny girl necks as well as the feelings that they have, and were almost certainly talking about, before the crash. Hey, if you’d really like to protect the women in the passenger seat here’s an idea: Stop them from talking about their feelings so the guy driving won’t have the impulse to crash the car in the first place! “Where’s the relationship going?! Right into this motherfucking guardrail!”
After 3 hours into a flight from Florida to London on British Airways an overhead announcement notified the passengers that: “This is an emergency. We will shortly be making an emergency landing on water”. As you can imagine the cabin erupted in panic as startled passengers woke to the announcement and feared for their lives. “My wife was crying and passengers were screaming, I thought we were going to die.” one British passenger said through a surprisingly un-stiff upper lip.
Also, a string quartet burst into a mournful ballad and I think Billy Zane may have kidnapped a child. Either way everything turned out ok and the plane landed safely without any further issues, although I imagine they didn’t have any alcohol left and probably more than a few people fucked in the bathroom afterward.
But it’s not all bad! Upon arrival the passengers were greeted at the terminal by representatives of the airlines handing out written apologies, but unless those were penned on the back of a check for a dump truck full of money I think there may still be some hard feelings.
This just in, two guys in the UK tried to bury a woman alive. The reason? Who needs a reason? Oh, the courts, right… Ok, so the thing is that one of the men was engaged to her and he was afraid that she was going to take their son back to Poland leaving him alone in England. So he cooked up an idea with his buddy and they tazed, then buried her alive in a cardboard coffin.
An Ohio 3rd grader has just been seized by the state and sent to foster care because he weighed a whopping 200lbs. This story is sad for a number of reasons, not least of which is how badly the child service representative was injured when he tried to pick the kid up. Not to mention how this will affect the child mentally or how bad our country has gotten when we can’t even trust parents to have their children’s best intentions in mind while feeding them.
Also, when something as tragic as this occurs you can’t help but ask a few questions like ‘Did they use a fork lift or did they require a crane?’, ‘How much does a healthy 3rd grader’s shadow weigh?’, and ‘What happens if (what am I saying? WHEN) he eats his new family’s dog?’. Stay tuned as I reveal more shocking surprises (like which dining room chair he’ll eat first!)