Monkey Monday: The Menace Continues

Saudi Arabia is the next front in the monkey war where The Arab News reports that:

fighting has broken out between the residents of the village Kiad in Saudi Arabia, and the baboons that inhabit the nearby mountains. The baboons are intelligent and “easily match wits” with village residents, who said the baboons are operating according to “studied plans”.  It’s a daily game of hide and seek. The baboons are targeting empty houses and are well aware of what they are doing. The assault on the village is not random, as some believe. They proceed according to studied plans. That’s why their attacks do not fail. For example, imagine a resident who is absent from their home for a period of time. Even though it’s just one day, he is surprised to return to find his home in disarray.”

Is it me or does this sound like a Pixar movie, because I would totally watch it.  Baboons breaking into homes in Saudi Arabia and throwing a party… it’s like Toy Story with more monkeys and less rights for women.

Monkey Monday: The Monkey Menace

In the article featured in The Hindu, written by Gaurav Vivek Bhatnagar, we discover that the Dehli government is attempting to solve their monkey problem with forced relocation and oral contraception.  You got that?  Monkey morning after pills.  I totally support this because a) I’m not a Republican and are therefore pro-monkey choice, and b) it’s monkeys and birth control!   Am I the only one aching to see how the most notoriously incompetent government tries to make this happen?  Remember, these are the guys whose governor was attacked on his balcony by these same monkeys and fell to his death!  They can’t stop them from assassinating their political leaders but they think they’re clever enough to make sure the monkeys take oral contraception.  I hope to all that is holy that this idea gets adopted, but in the meantime I’m going to see if Gaurav Vivek Bhatnagar’s name is an anagram for something because otherwise I think his parents just took a bunch of LSD and asked a Ouija board what to name their kid.  It would totally make sense, his sister’s name is Yesno Goodbye.

Monkey Monday

Monkey Monday has finally returned, and to signify it I’ll be doing a post about the awesome stilt walking monkeys of Indonesia who, as the name implies, walk on stilts!  They’re awesome, just take a look:

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  What the fuck is that?  Holy crap, that’s a monkey?  What’s that in its pupils, is it my death?  It’s my death, isn’t it…  Ok, I’ve composed myself.  Now, this is Neneng, a long-tailed macaque who is doing dual performances in Indonesia’s Kampung Monkey circus during the day, and later will be in the nightmares I’m definitely having tonight.  You may ask why an Indonesian would do this to a monkey, and that would be a really good question, but I’m not asking it because I think the answer involves pushing me into a pit and repeating ”it puts the lotion in the basket”.

Monkey Monday

A monkey in an itty bitty little winter coat escaped its owner and went on the tiniest, most adorable rampage through a Toronto IKEA, as reported by the Atlantic Wire.  Not that I’m a marketing genius or nothing, but if I was IKEA I’d publicize the shit out of this story because people like me would actually consider buying some crappy impossible to put together Fleuger TV stand if there was even the slightest chance I’d see something this awesome.  Who needs all those screws the “manufacturer” suggests… I saw a monkey eating meatballs!

Monkey Monday Is Back! Or You Did What Why?

Wait, if I didn’t sleep with my wife last night then who did I do it with?

Welcome to the triumphant return of Monkey Monday!  It’s been gone for a while but now it’s back with a story that I find highly dubious.  It seems earlier this week we’ve received a story out of Rukum which is located in (I’m gonna say) Nepal, where a man shot his wife out in a corn field claiming that he thought she was a monkey.  That’s his story.  He saw some rustling and opened fire due to the fact that there have been major problems with monkey-corn theft.  He’s currently in custody with another guy who shot his son because he, wait for it, thought he was a monkey.  Now either the people of Rukum have terrible eye sight, look a lot like monkeys, or they have the least creative murderers ever.   Either way if you’re a part of the Plushie community you’ve been warned.

Monkey Monday

Meet the Chinese Golden Snub Nosed monkey, but don’t get attached because this living monster is endangered, and I say thank god.  I’ve never been so terrified in my life.  If I saw one of these things swinging through the trees I’d shoot it with a proton pack.  I don’t know how many of them are left in the world, and I hope it’s not many, but if the Chinese can figure out how to mine my nightmares I promise we can shore their numbers right up.

Monkey Monday

Some people think that wherever they live is the worst place on earth, but unless they’re in Jammu they’re wrong because if you break your leg, get or hernia, or go to the emergency room there’s a one hundred percent chance you’ll be accosted by monkeys in the hospital.  Got that?  Monkeys in the hospital.  And not those cool American monkeys that dunk basketballs or ride dogs in rodeos, these are hardened war zone monkeys.  Quite naturally people have started to complain and the government has a solution: Stickers that tell people not to feed the monkeys.  Bravo.  Problem solved.  That’s like having an ocean survival guide that reads ‘Don’t drown’.

Escaped Monkey Monday

Escaped monkey VS North Carolina Police… The smart money’s on monkey

A young Macaque (not pictured) has escaped from the Wake Forest Primate Center and is currently hiding out in the ‘wilds’ of North Carolina.  So far no attempts to recapture our hero have proven successful.  The strategy that they’ve used the most, and by extension failed with the most, is playing baby Macaque sounds over speakers.  I say nuts to that!  If they really want to put an end to this then they should just bring in the primate’s natural predator which, if I’m not mistaken, is a fat Italian plumber armed with a hammer and a go-cart.  And maybe a Princess.

 

UPDATE: They found him.

Monkey Monday

The National Zoo needs help!  They have a contest out to name their new baby Howler Monkey and they want America to do it for them because either they are super lazy or they hold the average person’s creativity in much higher esteem than I do.  I mean some of those people actually paid to see Battleship for Pete’s sake!  Now, I don’t know much about Howler Monkeys, but I assume they scream a lot, and I don’t know what they scream but just in case it’s my name over and over again I’ve made my entry “Your mama”.  Just kidding, she’s a wonderful lady.  For a slut.

Monkey Monday

Hand over the food. No monkey business…

Rhesus monkeys have overrun Dehli and have been making coordinated strikes against the citizens for bits of fruit and bread, China Daily reports.   And I know that this sounds pretty funny, but it’s not if you live in Dehli.  If you don’t live in Dehli though it’s hysterical.  Here are a few quips that locals are doing/saying about the issue:

The first interloper stepped in front of her on the sidewalk and silently held up his hand. The second appeared behind her and beckoned for her bag. Maeve O’Connor was trapped.  Resistance would have been dangerous, so Ms. O’Connor handed it over. The two sauntered away. The encounter lasted about 15 seconds – just one more coordinated mugging by rhesus monkeys in a city increasingly plagued by them.   “I had other bags with me, but they knew the bag that had the fresh bread in it,” she said. 

Honestly, what the hell are Dehli cops doing?!  This is so obviously an inside job I can’t even believe it.  I bet they have a monkey working at the bakery…

 In 2007, a Delhi deputy mayor died when he fell from his terrace after being attacked by monkeys. Stories abound in Delhi of monkeys’ entering homes, ripping out wiring, stealing clothes and biting those who surprise them. They treat the Indian Parliament building as a playground, have invaded the prime minister’s office and Defense Ministry, and sometimes ride buses and subway trains. 

Mother monkey teaching baby monkey to syphon gasoline. Probably.

Wait, hold on.  They’ve assassinated a public official and no one’s done anything about it?!  For all we know these guys are taking their orders from Islamabad!  And furthermore, what the fuck do they need wiring and clothes for?!  They’re monkeys…  This is like the Sopranos.  And as for the riding buses and trains I’m assuming those are just short hairy ugly people going to work, because I don’t believe that even if these monkeys stole enough cash to pay for a bus pass that they’d know where to buy one…

Some residents are getting a bigger monkey, a langur, to urinate around their homes. The acrid smell scares the rhesus monkeys away for weeks. But as soon as the odor disappears, the rhesus monkeys return.  Amar Singh, a langur handler, recently watched one of his langurs in the yard of a home in Delhi’s diplomatic neighborhood. The langur, a large monkey with a black face dramatically framed by white fur, was tied to a pole with a 1.8-meter leash.  Mr. Singh said that he had 65 langurs urinating on homes and buildings throughout Delhi. He charges about $200 a month. 

 This is my favorite, because this dude was like “I’m going to breed Langur monkeys and sell their urine.  It’s like printing rupees!” and his friends were all like “You and your monkey pee business ideas.  First the cologne, then the mouth wash, and now this.  Just give it up, Raveesh!”  But he showed them, showed them aaaalllllll!

Kali, who uses one name, said her daughter and niece had been bitten twice. For a poor family like hers, the monkeys are a constant threat in more ways than one. “I give them my leftovers like roti,” she said. “But then they ran away with my onions.” 

I don’t know what makes me the sadder here, the fact that little girls have been bitten twice or the fact that losing some onions makes news in Dehli.  What was that monkey doing with roti and onions anyway, making a stew?  Honestly, the only thing you can do with an onion is tie it on your belt for looks, providing it’s the style at the time.