Hand over the food. No monkey business…
Rhesus monkeys have overrun Dehli and have been making coordinated strikes against the citizens for bits of fruit and bread, China Daily reports. And I know that this sounds pretty funny, but it’s not if you live in Dehli. If you don’t live in Dehli though it’s hysterical. Here are a few quips that locals are doing/saying about the issue:
The first interloper stepped in front of her on the sidewalk and silently held up his hand. The second appeared behind her and beckoned for her bag. Maeve O’Connor was trapped. Resistance would have been dangerous, so Ms. O’Connor handed it over. The two sauntered away. The encounter lasted about 15 seconds – just one more coordinated mugging by rhesus monkeys in a city increasingly plagued by them. “I had other bags with me, but they knew the bag that had the fresh bread in it,” she said.
Honestly, what the hell are Dehli cops doing?! This is so obviously an inside job I can’t even believe it. I bet they have a monkey working at the bakery…
In 2007, a Delhi deputy mayor died when he fell from his terrace after being attacked by monkeys. Stories abound in Delhi of monkeys’ entering homes, ripping out wiring, stealing clothes and biting those who surprise them. They treat the Indian Parliament building as a playground, have invaded the prime minister’s office and Defense Ministry, and sometimes ride buses and subway trains.
Mother monkey teaching baby monkey to syphon gasoline. Probably.
Wait, hold on. They’ve assassinated a public official and no one’s done anything about it?! For all we know these guys are taking their orders from Islamabad! And furthermore, what the fuck do they need wiring and clothes for?! They’re monkeys… This is like the Sopranos. And as for the riding buses and trains I’m assuming those are just short hairy ugly people going to work, because I don’t believe that even if these monkeys stole enough cash to pay for a bus pass that they’d know where to buy one…
Some residents are getting a bigger monkey, a langur, to urinate around their homes. The acrid smell scares the rhesus monkeys away for weeks. But as soon as the odor disappears, the rhesus monkeys return. Amar Singh, a langur handler, recently watched one of his langurs in the yard of a home in Delhi’s diplomatic neighborhood. The langur, a large monkey with a black face dramatically framed by white fur, was tied to a pole with a 1.8-meter leash. Mr. Singh said that he had 65 langurs urinating on homes and buildings throughout Delhi. He charges about $200 a month.
This is my favorite, because this dude was like “I’m going to breed Langur monkeys and sell their urine. It’s like printing rupees!” and his friends were all like “You and your monkey pee business ideas. First the cologne, then the mouth wash, and now this. Just give it up, Raveesh!” But he showed them, showed them aaaalllllll!
Kali, who uses one name, said her daughter and niece had been bitten twice. For a poor family like hers, the monkeys are a constant threat in more ways than one. “I give them my leftovers like roti,” she said. “But then they ran away with my onions.”
I don’t know what makes me the sadder here, the fact that little girls have been bitten twice or the fact that losing some onions makes news in Dehli. What was that monkey doing with roti and onions anyway, making a stew? Honestly, the only thing you can do with an onion is tie it on your belt for looks, providing it’s the style at the time.