Good god, I take a month off and look what’s happened! Michael Lee Lunsford has drawn a montage of fully clothed superheroines, and I have to ask: What kind of a monster puts clothes on Power Girl, or Wonder Woman for that matter? Yep, that’s just what this world needs, less cleavage in comic books, the only place where geeks under 12 can see half a boob (assuming they can’t get on the internet or their friend’s moms are all prudes). I don’t know who complained about sexy dames in comics but we should beat them with caveman clubs instead of assuaging them by putting a burka on Zatanna. Congratulations Michael, the terrorists have finally won.
Apparently Lucy Liu made a remark on Letterman (or somewhere) about getting too tan and looking Filipino, which upset that entire nation because they are just howling for her blood. Seriously, those people are so fucking touchy they make Muslims attending a Mohammed cartoon exhibit look as bland as the Swiss eating white bread and Ambien. Seriously Philippines, lighten, and then shut, the fuck up, what are you so upset about? Have you ever seen Lucy Liu!? You should just be happy that she mentioned you in the first place. I mean she never mentions me, unless you count police reports, then she can’t stop using my name.
There’s a pageant being held in Brazil that judges women solely on the strength of how their asses look. Yep, that’s right… no talent show, evening wear, or stupid fucking questions about evolution, just tushies. Brazilian tushies. It’s called the Miss Bum Bum pageant, and never mind that it sounds like an embarrassed 8-year-old named it. You see, this is why I love Brazil, they’re always doing stuff like this. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if this competition was fully subsidized by the government, and if that’s true I still totally support it. After all, how many hospitals and highways do those people need anyway?
I know I don’t cover much gaming, but I do like boobs and Lara Croft has them so let’s talk about these screen shots from her new game already! I don’t know how she wields a bow with such big cans but I don’t care… The only thing I’m concerned with is how I can be attracted to an animated woman. Seriously, if I was in this game I’d call it Womb Raider! But all kidding aside, I’ve always loved this series because it’s got a strong female lead, which is pretty rare in the world of sci-fi/fantasy/action-adventure, and Lara really breaks the stereotypes by whooping major ass. Although after so many years of challenging situations I would think that if the programmers really wanted to make this game difficult for a heroine they should have given her things she would have major trouble doing, like parallel parking and math. Baaa-zing!
Hey, terrible news: apparently Beverly Hills doctors can now perform ‘hot-ectomies’ and make you look totally unfuckable, even if you were as hot as Janet Jackson once was. I guess she can look on the bright side though, now guys will never have a problem making eye contact with her since her boobs can’t compete with the new ‘crazy stare’ that’s been permanently jammed into her face. But frankly I’m not that cheery, nor should you be, because the quack that did this just defaced a national treasure. Janet Jackson was all 31 Baskin-Robbins flavors of awesome and now she’s taken the first definitive steps toward Michael Jackson levels of physical weirdness. For realsies, if you shot her in the head and claimed you thought she was a monster I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have a problem finding a sympathetic judge. I’m fairly confident that she’ll be entering the lucrative world of supervillainy shortly because if that’s not the look of someone who’s about to knock over Gotham Bank I’ll eat my hat.
Airports in the North of China often have problems with fog delays, and since most of their clients are mainland Chinese nationals, their clients are kind of dicks. Now that’s the problem… The solution? Cheerleaders! Fucking China is using cheerleaders to calm upset passengers, which begs the question “how did they beat us to this?”. China is eating us alive in science, math, space exploration, medical breakthroughs… you know nothing important, but this cheerleader thing is a chilling advance that should sound a wake up call to the West. Sound it good! We’ve got crappy massage chairs and they’ve got nubile young cheerleaders cheering cheers to cheer the cheerless during delays. Frankly, this is the greatest idea I’ve ever heard, and I once heard an idea about the moon, and this is waaaaay better. I mean, if I’m going to get stuck someplace in China Asian cheerleaders would certainly make me happier. Actually, if I got Asian cheerleaders jumping up n’ down in front of me I’d probably feel pretty good about getting stuck anywhere… a haunted house, a trash compactor, a boa constrictor’s throat… the list goes on.
When you hear the name “Super Girls” you may think of DC comics but that’s because you’re a eunuch and don’t know that they’re actually a Japanese girl group. A Japanese girl group whose name is absorutery, %100, compretery accurate. Now you may be unaware but there’s been a huge movement in Asian countries regarding bands whereby brilliant executives, who are clearly organizational geniuses, just cobble together a bunch of hot girls and have them sing songs and perform choreography created by less attractive people. And brother, that shit is paying dividends! My old favorite group, The Wonder Girls (who I refer to as the Five Spice Girls) has just been supplanted by my new favorite group The Super Girls based solely on their name. But sadly I’ve just got the news that they had to cancel a few shows or something because a number of them came down with the flu which they can catch, but not pronounce. No confirmation yet, but I assume it resulted from an all night lingerie party where they practiced kissing. That was probably followed by a playful pillow fight, because what can I say, they love to romp!
Axel Braun has put out yet another porn parody! This one is the most expensive to date, and it’s a spoof on Star Wars, and it’s fucking brilliant! It has everything, and I mean everything in it, although you should know that I define ‘everything’ as boobs and a fat joke about Porkins, so technically I’m not exaggerating. Now, I don’t know who Axel Braun is but I love this guy, he’s producing so many high quality movies at such high-speeds it’s like his mother’s a cheetah who got fucked by Zach Snyder. Seriously, it’s the only plausible explanation. There’s no word yet as to whether or not George “I shit in the mouths of your childhood heroes” Lucas is going to get litigious about this, but I can’t imagine he would let anybody else but him gang bang his creative property, but that won’t detract from the enjoyment of watching a flick that’s this awesome. Seriously, it’s so Hoth it’s hard to Endor, ha!
So uh, London Olympic Board… you’ve decided to let beach volleyball players wear shorts and shirts instead of bikinis in an attempt, and let me make sure I got this right, “to improve the sport’s popularity?” Ok, that’s one way to go I guess… I mean if there’s one sure way to improve women’s anything it’s by covering the girls with tarps. You know, after the Beijing Olympics I thought that perhaps the new beach volleyball cheerleaders (it’s a video!) would be the way you guys would go, but this will probably work too. Hey, while you’re at it maybe you should make butt-slapping-congratulations illegal as well! I know I don’t hate anything more than two fit women spanking each other lightly. Repeatedly. Especially when they’re a little sweaty, sun-kissed, and exotic. Hey, while you’re at it you should introduce a nationwide fine for girl-on-girl pillow fights, knee-high socks, pig tails, and eating lollipops and ice cream cones in public, that way you can finally get rid of those last three tourists who still enjoy your cuisine and bright sunny beaches.
CBS will soon be filming its new television program about Sherlock Holmes called “Elementary” in New York City. Fresh off the box office success of Guy Ritchie’s films and Steven Moffat’s BBC series the famous Baker Street detective will be getting the American small screen treatment, but with an additional twist. Dr Watson will be played by Lucy Liu, which is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard, ever. And I mean ever. Some die-hard fans are shying away from the choice out of respect for the source material but those guys are a bag of dicks and they need a fork in the eye. I mean, they’re forgetting the important thing here and that’s that she’s an Asian girl with freckles. Freckles. I don’t know how that happens, but I’m pretty sure it requires billions of dollars and years of genetic testing at some underground lab… probably in Japan. Anyway this show is sure to be a hit and I for one can’t wait for it to start, but then again if Lucy Liu was headlining at a Hitler Youth rally I’d probably be pretty enthusiastic about that too.