Monkey Monday

Monkey Monday has finally returned, and to signify it I’ll be doing a post about the awesome stilt walking monkeys of Indonesia who, as the name implies, walk on stilts!  They’re awesome, just take a look:

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  What the fuck is that?  Holy crap, that’s a monkey?  What’s that in its pupils, is it my death?  It’s my death, isn’t it…  Ok, I’ve composed myself.  Now, this is Neneng, a long-tailed macaque who is doing dual performances in Indonesia’s Kampung Monkey circus during the day, and later will be in the nightmares I’m definitely having tonight.  You may ask why an Indonesian would do this to a monkey, and that would be a really good question, but I’m not asking it because I think the answer involves pushing me into a pit and repeating ”it puts the lotion in the basket”.

Brazil Crowns Miss Bum Bum!

Those of you who follow my blog regularly (thanks mom!) will know all about the Miss Bum Bum pageant, a contest in Brazil whose winner is chosen purely on the quality of her tush.  Well, the winner has been crowned and what’s super surprising is that she’s of European descent!  And I say ‘Woohooo!’  Or at least that’s what I would have said had I not seen the above picture.  How on earth do you have an ass contest and not have one black chick.  Not one!  An ass contest without a black chick… in Brazil.  That’s like an drinking contest in Ireland with only Italians.  Seriously, this oversight is so dumb I’m no longer surprised that they misspell their own name (Brasil, what the shit is that?).  Anyway, congrats to whoever won, you should be as proud as all those all white basketball champions who competed back in the 1930′s.  You deserve it!

  

Brazil’s Ms Bum Bum Pageant Is Better Than Church

There’s a pageant being held in Brazil that judges women solely on the strength of how their asses look.  Yep, that’s right… no talent show, evening wear, or stupid fucking questions about evolution, just tushies.  Brazilian tushies.  It’s called the Miss Bum Bum pageant, and never mind that it sounds like an embarrassed 8-year-old named it.  You see, this is why I love Brazil, they’re always doing stuff like this.  In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if this competition was fully subsidized by the government, and if that’s true I still totally support it.  After all, how many hospitals and highways do those people need anyway?

    

Fei Lin’s Penis Stolen By Thieves!

My god, what happened to Jet Li? Oh, that’s just Bruce Lee. No wait, is it Ken Watanabe?

Dude, get this, some guy just got his junk stolen in China and I’m not referring to his boat.  Fei Lin of Niqiao Village (which is near Winling City if that’s any help) claims that men burst into his room and, according to a story in TNT magazine:

“They put something over my head and pulled down my trousers and then they ran off,” Lin said. “I was so shocked I didn’t feel a thing – then I saw I was bleeding and my penis was gone.”  Police believe the attackers were jealous lovers of several local women whom Lin was having affairs with, the Austrian Times reported. Lin denied taking part in any infidelity.  Emergency workers and police searched for Lin’s (little Lin) but turned up nothing, according to TNT Magazine. The penis thieves are nowhere to be found, but police said they’re looking for the jealous lovers.

Jealous lovers from numerous women he’s sleeping with, huh?  Yeah, that story totally holds water because just looking at this guy’s picture makes me want to rub one off.  Seriously, he’s like George Crooney.  And what kind of description is that for the cops to go on?!  Looking for jealous lovers…  Hey Fei Lin, I DARE you to be more vague.  You live in a country where sex is taboo and due to the single child policy the men outnumber the women 1.5 billion to 7 so I’m pretty sure the term ‘jealous lover’ is to ’citizen’ in English.  Shit, good luck catching these guys, maybe we should add something to the APB like they’re under six feet, have black hair and enjoy rice.

I Hope That Capt. Canuck’s Superpower is Being Impervious To My Sarcasm

He got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive beaver. Just kidding, it was by making love to a radioactive Mountie.

I’ve been really crapping on the new crop of superhero movies coming out (Human Fly, Antman, Youngblood, etc…), but I take it all back because a Canadian film company is hard at work on bringing their national hero to the big screen and it sounds waaaay worse than all of those combined.  Now first off, I didn’t even know that Canada had a national hero, but sure enough they do and Captain Canuck (his real name, not my joke) is going to be a movie!  You hear that Canadian criminals?!  Beware, you’re reign of terror is at an end!  And that includes littering AND jaywalking.

Cyberdyne Now Real Company. In Japan Of Course.

I’m come here from the future… to fuck your maids

This is sort of old news, but it’s just come to my attention so get off my back!  Apparently there’s a real company called Cyberdyne in Japan, and they’re actually busy building robots!  For fucking realsies!!!  Now, for those of you who don’t know why this is awesome here are two things you should know: first off I hate you, and secondly Cyberdyne is the company that created Skynet and The Terminators and also time travel technology.  Initially I was outraged that Cyberdyne wasn’t an American company, but I guess we’re too busy trying to stuff a pizza into the crust of another pizza to build a T1000.  On one hand we could have indestructible living liquid soldiers, but on the other hand it’s a whole pizza inside of a pizza!

FEMEN Is At It Again

FEMEN, so much better than Code Pink

You may remember FEMEN, they’re the political woman’s group that protests topless throughout European countries and other places that America protects.  I always forget what they’re protesting because boobs, but whatever they hate I have vocally hoped for more of it, and my hopes have been answered.  Recently the leader of FEMEN Chesty VonSeecups (I’m kidding, her real name is Alexandra Shevchenko but that’s a fucking ridiculous name for anybody who isn’t the President for Life of Belarus) gave an interview.  Here’s an excerpt, it’s surprisingly terrifying:

 What is the goal of your organization?
- A female revolution.

-How do you lead a revolution?
- Hell if I know…

Why don’t you just pull over and ask for directions, am I right?!

-And yet…?
-Maybe it should be done the bloody way. Or on the other hand, may in a humanist way. Maybe it would be a direct war between men and women, a war against patriarchic traditions in society, which would lead to deaths because men would not desire to give in that easily (smiles).

A bloody uprising?  Pbbt, we would crush you!  You’ve got no upper body strength!

-Why have you chosen to express your protest in a sexual way?
-We did not plan to get naked at first. But then we understood what outrage was going on during 2012 elections. We started to act more roughly. We decided that we should get naked.  A naked woman is a free woman.

 That was actually an outstanding answer.

We may be naked in Ukraine, but if we go naked in Russia, we will get 12 days in jail and a deportation. And a fine of several thousand dollars. It is idiotism, we think.

I would imagine being deported from Russia is actually kind of a reward… but go on.

-Why don’t you like Euro-2012? Why did you throw its cup?
-Major sport events are usually sponsored by beers companies. The goal of these companies is to make people drunk. The Sex-industry is not far from behind.

It never is Chesty, it never is…

New Chinese Superhero “Annihilator”

Stan Lee, pictured above not paying any royalties to Jack Kirby’s estate, has just created China’s first real superhero.  He’s called the Annihilator which  I think is a big mistake since maybe if you want a superhero to be popular the first step is making sure the people of the country can actually pronounce his name.  No word yet as to what his super powers will be but the safe bet is on something with either math, the violin, or tumbling. He’ll also be starring in his own movie which will begin production sometime soon maybe.  Listen, I know this post is short on info so if you want more facts just click the link to the original story, but I hope you like words cause that article’s full of them.

Japanese Diet Glasses Can Fool Stupid Westerners!

If it makes an oreo seem huge then I’ll bet you a million Yen I know what he’ll be looking at next

Beware fellow Gai-jin, Japan has just invented new ‘diet glasses’ that can make boring snacks appear exciting and small snacks seem larger!  For real, this new invention can trick us into believing that we’re actually eating lots of delicious things instead of crappy celery which may help to curb our real appetites and that can result in real weight loss!!!  Personally, I’ve already ordered two.  Now all they need is a pair of glasses that makes my hand look like the top of Eliza Dushku’s head and we’re in business!

The Indelible Hulk

No, it’s NOT easy being green…

Paint used on balistic missiles and nuclear submarines is pretty serious stuff.  Considering how important it is that military forces can easily identify the flags on both of those things you had better believe they design the paint to be as permanent as super-herpes.  I mean, if it can survive the crushing deep or the speed of sound you know that shit’s not gonna need a primer coat, and needless to say it’s not designed to be slathered all over the human body.  But Brazilian superfan Paulo Henrique dos Santos (above, hahaha) didn’t bother reading the can and just splashed some of the green one all over his body in pursuit of the ultimate Hulk costume.  Mission.  Fucking.  Accomplished! 

Now on one hand this poor guy really committed to the bit, which I think is pretty awesome, but on the other hand he used a paint that was created for ballistic missiles and nuclear subs and that’s the most fucking hysterically stupid thing I’ve ever heard!  How you make a mistake like that is beyond me and don’t tell me he couldn’t read the English warning because he only speaks ‘Brazilian’ because we both know that’s not even a real language.  But don’t worry, despite the severity of his actions, and my endless taunts, after a weekend of loofah scrubbing Paulo has finally washed all of the paint from his body, which makes him only slightly less stupid than I first thought.  

But you know, I shouldn’t judge this guy too harshly, I remember my dad did something similar to this once too.  I found him on a Sunday morning in a black speedo with permanent silver glitter paint all over his body after a night clubbing with his platonic friend “Brucey”.  It took him forever to get it all off as well, and it seemed kind of strange at the time, but he explained the whole thing to me and I had to agree, he really did make a great Colossus!